I’m sitting here, writing while tears are streaming down my face… Maybe it’s the hormones, maybe I’m just overwhelmed. Or maybe it’s the fear.
Most of you know by now that I’m pregnant. 12 weeks pregnant! Feels kinda unreal typing it, but its true (according to my gynaecologist, blood tests, 2 sonars and an endless amount of pregnancy sticks).
So why am I crying? Apart from the huge hormonal change, I’m paralysed by fear: My first pregnancy I suffered from hyperemesis gravidarum (extreme, crippling nausea).
The moment I found out I was pregnant my first thought was I can’t do this again. I know I was supposed to be happy, to be overjoyed but I was paralysed with fear. I can’t. I can’t do 280 days of constant vomiting. Laying in a dark room for most of the day. Stop working. Stop seeing people. How am I going to take care of Minki? How will I explain this constant, crippling nausea to her?
How will I explain to her that this shadow of a human being is her once crazy but happy Mama???
Knowing how sick I was last time, to go through the absolute torture again.
A Million thoughts rattled through my mind, the fear overshadowed the joy by far.
When I was almost 6 months pregnant with Minki, I fell into a deep and dark hole of depression because of hyperemesis gravidarum. I felt like I had nothing left, except wishing the days (and myself) away. It was truly the most difficult time of my entire life. Caitlin Dean, from The Spewing Mummy says it best:
“It’s putting yourself through the absolute torture that is hyperemesis all over again. It’s the knowing just how sick you will be and remembering the constant torture of nausea night and day for 280 days. The weight loss and feelings of malnutrition and dehydration and the dizziness, headaches and pain that those cause. It’s the knowledge that the drugs only help a bit really and that most of them have side effects that are almost as unpleasant as the vomiting anyway.”
So I prayed… I got down on my knees, crying like a little baby and I prayed. I begged God to please please please do not let me get this sick this time round. I just can’t deal with it again. I just cannot.
But today, now, 12 weeks pregnant with baby number 2 and its going okay. I’m still unbelievably scared. Don’t’ get me wrong! I break out in cold sweat every time I get nauseous and start hyperventilating. I think that this time the nausea is here to stay, it won’t go away and this will be my life for the next 6 months.
I use the drugs and the side effects are horrible. But it helps a little bit… I still fear that I’m missing out on Minki’s daily life. That I will miss out on my sisters wedding. That hubby won’t be able to cope with all the extra responsibilities.
But it’s NOT like last time. It’s NOT constant. I can survive this. Maybe I can actually even do this?
To be honest up until now it has not felt real because I’m just fighting the nausea. But the other day I saw baby’s tiny legs kicking away in my womb. For the first time I felt like maybe, just maybe everything is going to be all right.
And even though being pregnant with Minki was the hardest thing I’ve ever done, I will do it again in the blink of an eye, I will choose hyperemesis again, if she’s the prize at the end of all the vomiting.
And when times are hard, running to the bathroom, vomiting, not eating, feeling super depressed then I just need to imagine that a little personality is growing inside me and that one day, he will make me laugh just as hard as Minki is making me laugh Now. Every. Single. Day (even throughout the nausea).
IT’s a cliché but in the end it’s all worth it.
Helene (& Minki) and a teeny tiny baby.